Home from the san diego comic book convention wich was really a wasted trip, I return to chandler to look in on my great grandmother (whom, if any of you care to know me, is in failing health and regards me as her only caregiver) and find that she hasnt slept a full hour in two days. Shes removed all the pictures from her walls and the house is in a general state of disarray. She says that she cant sleep because people come into her house and wont leave, she says they paint stuff on her pictures and make them darker or change the colors of things, she also claims they paint faces on things...

I ask her why she hasnt slept and she says she stays up all night yelling at wwhat Ive begun to call "phantoms" for lack of a better word. I try to tell her that all the pictures are exactly the same as they have been for years and she gets angry and tells me I never paid attention b efore and swears theyre different. I tell her these things arent there and she insists on arguing with them and chasing them around the house. So naturally I tell the workplace I wont be able to work this weekend as I have to look after my grandmother.

Thats a story in itself that I just dont care to tell as its tedious and expressive of the fact that I need to find new work, but I digress.

She wakes up in the missle of the night and argues with people that arent there, I tell her were in this house alone and to try not to let it bother her but she insists on carrying on. Im so tired, I can hardly take care of myself, what can I really do for an 85 year old woman that refuses to believe the only person whos looking after her. Its frustrating and infuriating and miserably depressing...

INCREASE YOUR WORD POWER!

rakish, adj. 1: marked by a carefree unconventionality or disreputableness

wastrel, n. 1:One who wastes, especially one who wastes money; a profligate 2: An idler or a loafer.

I like these words alot... probably because they pretty much cover all the bases... Im certain I read the both of them in some Rober E Howard book, used to describe some desert bandit or pirate... "... a rakish wastrel of a man..." sounds like something hed say anyway. My dream of returning to school and preparing myself to ask a man my father knew for help to become a firefighter is nearly a lost cause... Im far too lazy to make it on my own I use the care of my grandmother as an excuse for not doing more with my life right now, soon it will be too late for me and Ill have missed the window.

Shouldnt knowing that youre causing your own misfortune be enough inspiration to change your ways... What is wrong with me that I can be so aware of what Im doing wrong but still not have the drive to change? I am ashamed of my lack of prospects... what will I do, what will I do...