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|Wednesday, June 1st, 2011|
|So I guess im boring as shit anymore
... and committing my thoughts to written form has lost its appeal to the candy coated quickness of facebook updates...
So heres what will most likely be my last musing.
"On the topic of our respective love lives: Attempted romances with married women are nowhere near as charming as "Lost in Translation", but you'll never be the next Arcade fire, for all your glowing greatness, so I can sleep at night knowing neither of us is guaranteed a better form of happiness than the other"
|Sunday, May 16th, 2010|
How do I shake you from my heart? Youve moved on in the way that you do and Im still here. The phantom sound of your voice and the smile on your face haunts me in my thoughts and dreams. I can find distraction in this or that, but youre the one I want.
my heart aches. I am most defeated by the action of being without you. Once I was mighty, now I see how empty it all is.
im not okay. But Im trying.
|Friday, May 7th, 2010|
i always liked that about you
you always did what you intended
everyone else just talked...
Brandie Stork knows what the fuck is up! She called it back when we were just kids!
|Wednesday, April 21st, 2010|
I still miss her. Sometimes more than others. I can hear the sound of her voice, I see her face and I dont ever want to stop missing her. Sometimes Im angry at how it went, most often its just crippling regret, I dont know how to deal with the hurt.
Shes moving on and Im treading water.
therapy... even hypnosis... all that jazz and I still love her
|Sunday, April 4th, 2010|
Last night I dreamt she was getting married. Shes been dating some guy for maybe three weeks and I woke up nearly in tears. I dont know how to process the feeling of loss and I dont know how to handle the grief. If only she could be happy, look past old things and see me for the changes Ive made.
This therapist specializes in hypnosis, and maybe thats the trick. Just zonk it right out of my head, make me forget her. As much as that pains me, I want to be with her so much and I just cant bear all this pain. I dont care for my life in the current stats its in.
|Friday, March 19th, 2010|
|Hooray for medical insurance!!!
I have a therapist.
Rebecca said I needed help, but more importantly Im kinda burnt out on being perpetually miserable and finding difficulty in every aspect of my life.
He seems like a nice enough guy, he didnt really talk much. I guess thats probably the point of the thing. I spoke alot about Becca, he says "Wow, you really like this girl"
He asked if shed be willing to come in as part of a group therapy thing, I told him she was too done with me for that. I guess the smart thing to do is figure out how I can live without her.
He asked me about my family, I gave the breakdown. He tells me that my assignment/homework for the week is to consider what kind of person I hope to be. His point, if I recall correctly is that growing up I really wasnt given any sort of realistic model for what grownups should be and Ive been forced to make it up as I went along.
So now ive got that to think about.
|Sunday, March 14th, 2010|
|Saturday, October 10th, 2009|
Already I notice how the changes in just my schedule have altered my priorities.
Today was a big bicycling event in Tempe, young people riding bikes for fun everywhere.
My good friend Howards 25th wedding anniversary, food, freinds and good jokes.
Its saturday night, im on my way home, I see girls in dresses getting out of cabs to meet friends in my neighborhood, people are outside enjoying eachothers company and Im driving home to eat leftovers and watch cable tv. In less than two weeks Ill be 30 years old, ive barelt started a new job, im single without any prospects, all my friends are even busier than I am, and theres nothing good on TV.
|Sunday, October 4th, 2009|
|because Im sure youll read this
Tomorrow Ill wake up at 5 in the morning and Ill get to be a whole new person with no memory of what transpired in the days previous and no feeling, loving or hateful towards those who were present.
That Ill be able to leave behind every negative memory and for that, Im beginning to think itd be a fair deal that all positive aspects will have been washed away with them as well
Ill be a blank slate with nothing but new beginnings and experiences from wich to build upon. a freshly created persona that isnt colored by the influences of those ive been near. No past acquaintances that come to mind, no fondness or regret
And while theres no precedent, under this new state of being, should my phone ring, id answer and have no idea what to say to whomever might be on the other side.
"Im sorry? Youre trying to reach whom? Theres no one here by that name, goodbye"
Today I hate you. Tomorrow I hope I dont even know you anymore.
|Monday, August 31st, 2009|
|i never signed up for this
why is life what it is? this isnt what I was promised, its not what i signed up for. Why do I have to stand in this line? Please get me out of this.
|Thursday, August 13th, 2009|
3 am thunderstorms, its not the sudden pop or booming threat overhead, but a slow constant tremor that feels like its miles away. An audible tremor of discontent that mirrors own heart. Not a wracking explosion that you wait for wide eyed with suprise and anticipation, but rather just enough presence to keep you awake at night wondering if that doom is coming at you or leaving you behind
|Sunday, July 19th, 2009|
|This vehicle came with a bad clutch.
Having the gears abruptly changed from "I love you" to "I hate you" has been a hateful and hurtful ordeal. This unwelcome (though not wholly unanticipated) shift has made its mark
The throttle of relationship turmoil drives the engine of the heart to spin faster and faster, the winding scream of the emotional transmission trumpets the stress of the internal mechanics, once an appropriately alarming crescendo is reached, the lever is thrown and physics fight chance, metal breaks against mettle, and the entire frame of the body is wracked with that awful physical jolt and the mind lurches forcefully into the battered perspective geared wholly and completely contrary to any previously held sentiment.
I feel cheated and wronged but ultimately I have to say that she performed exactly like the person would for whom I believed her to be (this sentence doesnt make sense). I gave what I called love in spite of the fact that I had grown to dislike her. Maybe she was perceptive enough to see through my efforts, maybe she knows that despite all our feigning at real sentiment, we were both pretending at something that neither of us were capable. She was and is a spoiled human whos been handed a living, a home and nothing but opportunity, the only adversity shes suffered was the self imposed misery of running on the wrong side of the tracks because it was maybe exciting for her to see how the other half lived... The liberty of casual drug use and college living on someone else dime knowing that down the line shed still be provided for has created in her, a pattern of never truly accepting a task that might be difficult, never having to follow through on a losing proposition, and feeling entitled to demand all things of all others all at once not caring about the reprecussions of failure on the part of the others, said failure just created a credit in her mind to be paid at a later date, and she was more than happy to extend credit just enough to create a debt of emotion that could never be paid. Once the hooks were in, shed have you on your knees for good. A promise that once past transgressions were paid off, real happiness would follow but the principal was never touched, the balance of respect would never become square.
I said to myself, ill bow and scrape for the time being, and see how this plays out. When it was obvious that there wouldnt be an end, i became bitter. It was my goal, once I got back on my feet, to give her the dressing down I felt she needed, comeuppance would be served and shed be the one abandoned. When the hammer dropped on me first, I hit the cieling with rage.
I didnt see it before, but another woman scolded me for it "You suffered in silence and then blew up, and thats unacceptable" and shes right. I should have just left. I should have stood up for myself in the beginning and walked out. It would have been the better thing, the higher ground. but im plagues with a dual nature, a part of me was convinced that eventually things would get better. That if I just put in the time, it would turn around and become bearable.
And now its time to turn the microscope on myself. The girl said that I thought I was special and unique, different from everyone else, and in that feeling I had alienated myself from all others. Id say that im probably more like a stray dog, when im hungry I eat, when im tired I sleep, ill lay where I please and im indifferent to the company of most others. There is a uselessness about me, i drift without direction or cause, I bite the hand that feeds me and follow rank instinct rather than true reason. There were days I took from her because it was offered and i over valued what I provided to her, though that was mostly because that had become the tone of our relationship, the value of my actions, and what peace or hapiness those actions purchased from her stores of "love"... What use does a dog have for commerce?
So at the end of it all, im a lowly dog, my heart is a broken machine with vital parts missing, and the biggest relationship of my adult life has ammounted to little more than a post-dated check.
Rebecca Jean Anderson, if the person you showed yourself to be these last few months is who and what you are, and the thing you were when we fist met was just a phantom of promises that couldnt be kept then I think that I may hate you. If it brings me tears to write that does it mean that its not true or does it confirm a notion thats been brewing for a while.
The hate comes from the frustration of allowing myself to be made to feel low and small when I should have felt loved and victorious. That violent disparity between "how could you..." and "why didnt i..." proves fertile ground for anger and resentment. Today I hope I never see you again, I hope tomorrow the feeling still applies and i hope against hope that years from now I dont even recognize these words, like theyre a story written about some stranger and if Im luckier still, i wont be looking back at this at all, good, bad or otherwise.
Smell ya later blah blah blah,
smell ya later FOREVER
|Monday, July 6th, 2009|
My greatest enemy, the source of all my troubles and misfortunes, my unrequited wants and desires, the bane of my very existence lives inside of me. I know roughly where to find it, but im unsure how to eliminate this unwelcome guest
The Sinoatrial node (or SA Node) is the point of origin for the electrical impulses that make your heart contract and relax. If that node is interrupted or damaged your heart stops beating and thats it. Youre dead.
Well, maybe youre dead, who can say how much time you have left after that last lub, or final dub. Is that truly the end measure of life? Im willing to bet your brain would want some say in the matter. How long does your brain register the impending doom, or do you suppose everything goes white in a sort of sympathetic terror. Could a determined individual take a step, reach for a phone, could you scrawl an apology or maybe smooth the wrinkles on your shirt as you settle down for eternity. How much composure is possible when a vital wire comes unplugged.
Im really bummed out. There was a girl who I was so in love with, soon enough we didnt even like eachother and now shes made the final call and were done for. I throw a terrible fit just to make sure it sticks and feel all the worse for it. Im left feeling so tired and defeated. And ill tell you, Im REALLY BURNT OUT on feeling tired and defeated.
I dont drink enough water.
|Saturday, March 21st, 2009|
Can a sociopath fool himself into thinking he has feelings and emotions supposing hes figured out what people are supposed to feel?
If someone is right about me, maybe I have a real problem.
Does the fact that I feel compelled to make people watch movies that I think communicate some part of me, or an ideal I feel Im after, reveal that all Im really doing is seeking out moral tales that present what an admirable person should feel in a given situation or circumstance?
Do I submit to you a story that presents the ideal of love so that you can identify with, and then be led to believe that I can love too?
Do the presence of dark thoughts and black moods present evidence of a deeper more geniune emotional health? Would the presence of despair imply that there was good before and there will be good after? Is the imnplication that everything is cyclical make the lows worth the highs?
I cant find the answers... And I cant find the distraction to keep me from wondering why the answers wont come.
Things are shitty these days
|Saturday, March 14th, 2009|
Im having a real hard time lately
|Thursday, December 11th, 2008|
At odds with myself and unsure what choice I need to make... the physics of an upswing imply added gravity.
Where do the answers come from?
|Sunday, September 28th, 2008|
|well I just want to die
God gets my girlfriend to dump me on my ass in the same week he kills my hero with teh cancer...
Im feelling totally broken today
|Wednesday, September 24th, 2008|
Theres a phantom column that runs from the bottom of my heart, up through my throat and rest in the center of my brain just above the level of my eyes... This phantom column is where all the distress and hurt and disgust and general contempt I have for this world is contained.
When Im confronted with outside stimuli that aggravate my sensibilities, this phantom column glows red hot inside of me, I can feel it burn and swell, it interferes with my shoulders, closes my throat, my vision blurs and I can not think clearly. All of the rage and shame and hurn Ive known rattles around inside and screams for release. Its the most vivid feeling I know and its what keeps me from being close to others...
Right now, I just want to lay on the floor and die.
Like I am seriously disinterested in the set of circumstances my life has led to. Sometimes, when you get overly frustrated with a video game, you know that rather than continue to bang your head against a wall, trying and trying again, its better just to turn the game off and call it a day. Im ready for that break
|Saturday, September 13th, 2008|
My buddy Erik downloads this CD, guess Scarlett Johannsen did a tom waits cover album, he says he thinks its great so I give it a listen... its alright... Since he has no idea what Tom waits is all about I thought itd be a good idea to make a CD consisting of all the songs that Scarlett covers on her album so he can compare the two.
So i get into my musice file and i find the tom waits folder that I downloaded and for some dumb fucking reason, half the songs, randomly seleced are in ".m4a" format instead of "Mp3"... I dont know why it was done this way and I start getting frustrated that i cant just burn a fucking CD witho8ut it becoming a 14 part process and Im screaming at my video game pals on vent and being pissed about what Ive come to refer as my "bitch-ass girlfriend" and all teh shit with her I have to deal with and I cant seem to study enough for my EMT class and Im just kinda decided Id Rather fucking kill myself than deal with the hassle of all this bullshit.
Im just so fucking burntg out on EVERYTHING being inconvenient.
Hundreds of years on this fucking marble and we still cant figure out how to get through the day with our dignity in tact. Fuck it, Im out!
|Monday, September 8th, 2008|
|Did you watch the MTV Video Music Awards?!
Because while you were doing that, there was an entire planet full of things happening outside your house, the vast myriad possibilities that passed you by, good or bad were infinitely more enriching than the FUCKING MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS!!! OMFUCKINGOD! I would rather watch reruns of "Becker" than submit myself to the popculture abortion that is MTV...
The thing of it is, you dont have to "Not watch TV" to be enriched or moved by something greater than what is offered the masses... Theres enough shit out there that you could sit in front of the TV 6 hours a day and still only be watching "Good TV", that is well written stories with a reasonable sembelance of "heart" and relative to the human condition. You dont have to suffer MTV and reality shows and FUCKING LIFE ACCORDING TO JIM!
Of all the lazy, I may be the laziest, most inactive, most isolated people on the planet, but i still know what makes a good story good, and I can see that theres something out there in the world that i can recognize and Identify inside of my own heart, this feeling supercedes the distaste I have for my fellow Bipeds. "Hell is other people" says Jean-Paul Sartre, and that guy is fucking on to it man... but Ill tell you, a good story always makes it a little more bearable.
You dont have to get off your couch, but you gotta get better taste in entertainment. MTV is fucking poison that gives you a false sense of what it is to be human, it removes all that makes you worthwhile and leaves just enough to buy the popular deoderants and sportscars